Some board game conventions are just the worst. YOU KNOW THE ONES! Confusing symbols plastered everywhere, disrespectful interactions that drive you insane, rules that are hard to find, HIDDEN MOVEMENT! BLUE AND PURPLE PLAYER PIECES – wait … did you think I was referring to board game conventions that happen annually, or board game CONVENTIONS? Cause I’m not talking about Gen Con, Essen, or Dice Tower East. I ain’t bashing those bastions of cardboard pleasure.
I’m bashing conventions found in many board games that are just outright the dumbest sh*t to still exist in 2024. Now I am a gol-darn saint and I’m cool with game designers experimenting with weird, untested sh*t. So if the dumb convention is just uncommon and new . . . it gets a pass. But the following list contains the tried, tested and mind-numbingly stupid additions commonly thrown into sh*tty board games. In fact, these d*mn things are what makes a game sh*tty.
Large Amounts of VP Tokens
Scrabble did it right – just f*ck*ng write down everyone’s score for all to see. Everytime I dig through point token piles in Scout, Whistle Mountain, and Smallworld, the teetering morality scale that defines my humanity tips a little further towards “MANSLAUGHTER SEEMS ACCEPTABLE.” Do you have any idea the amount of times I’ve had to say:
“Which one of you gluttonous bunny-f*ck*rs is hoarding the 1’s?”
It’s like a dozen times each game. I’m sure that when I was a wee-gamer I would have flipped a table knowing I was losing. But now that I am a MAN GAMER I can take a gap in points, and finish out the game happily. And though the tokens are needed in Smallworld for you to get those flying-executive-salesmen-trolls, there has to be a better method.
Concepts in the Beginning of a Rulebook
Taking a pair of scissors to a Rosenberg rulebook must be some pleasuring therapeutic sh*t. “Game Concepts” in a rule book are WALLS OF TEXT that get in the way of trying to figure out how the f*ck my d*mn boats move around. I’m sure Uwe is a smart, empathetic, and decent human-being, but blurbs in his rule books that say “Oftentimes, on farms, two animals in the same pen create a third animal” is some epic level condescending man-splaining dookie droplets. Rules should be in the front, fun animal breeding facts should be in the rear.
Egg Timers
Though I understand the timer in Scattergories is the audio equivalent of a spinal injury, and the timer in Blockbuster sounds like my skin is melting, and the one in Tapple triggers aggressive pre-emptive combat maneauvers meant to end lives . . . they stll work. Which is more than I can say for LITERALLY EVERY F*CK*NG EGG-TIMER EVER. Egg-timers are verticle traffic jams. The sand doesn’t move and no engineer can explain why it can’t move and no one knows why gravity just chooses to f*ck right off. But it does. So stop adding egg-timers to any game.
Sharing the Win
If I wanted to share a win, I’d play Skippity-hoppity with 8 year-olds. But all of us adult-aged table-wreckers want to smash faces and break bones – and we want our victims to know it was us. So, for the love of God, please gimmee the details on how I, and I alone, can win this competitive board game. Even if the tie-breaker is “Whoever unsheathes a knife first is the winner,” just add something!
Historical Facts
The layout of Brass Birmingham’s rulebook begins as such – Game title, list of components, historic details of eight 18th century tycoons in size 7 font. Which one of these do you think should be used to fuel my fire? It’s insane. I opened the thing up and immediately contemplated homicide. But instead I chose to read the rules to that awesome, albeit over-rated, game. NOT THE POINT. Two whole f*ck*ng pages about British blokes who absolutely ran over human rights with their trains. This is somehow more upsetting than endless details of a FICTIONAL history. The Silmarillion style novel that comes packed with Twilight Imperium was built from trees that did not need to die, and ink I could have swallowed when asked about presidential elections, but it’s technically irreplaceable. The Brass background can literally be read on wikipedia.
Blue and Purple Player Colors
As an American, I believe that everyone deserves to be happy, and should be able to pursue their dreams. Sometimes, your happiness involves choosing a favorite player color in a board game, and that is weird and makes you a weirdo. And this is fine. However, we cannot be reckless. We cannot let the powerful push us around. Society must always move forward. That is why, in order to avoid a full f*ck*ng civil war, games cannot have both blue AND purple player pieces.
It’s highlander rules b*tch – THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE. In case you’ve missed the last thousand year’s footnotes of the human apocalyptic de-evolution, men suck at seeing colors. Not our fault, that’d be nature’s f*ck*ry. And the science continually shows the same thing – blue and purple are literally the same to a significant portion of the population. Actually, I’m not sure if that’s true. I just know it’s true about me, and that’s all that matters. This bullsh*t needs to stop, because if blue and purple are ever neighbors on a game board, then it looks like one team just doubled in size and I scream. So for the sake of my sanity, and my friend’s ears, put only blue OR purple into your game.
... And Another Thing! ...
Hidden Movement, an Offensive Opinion
I’ve played the classics – Scotland Yard, Clue Museum Caper. I’ve touched the follow up hits – Fury of Dracula, Specter Ops. And I’ve seen the reviews of the modern designs – Mind MGMT, Sniper Elite. I’ve also stubbed my toe. I’ve bonked my funny bone. I’ve been drawn up into a great wind turbine, suffering repetitive head trauma as the blades bash my skull like a finger in a box fan. Black Phillip once rammed my balls. And, amazingly, hidden movement is somehow less enjoyable than all of that. Not because the mechanic is broken, but because of what it has historically drawn up from the lungs of gamers . . . braggadocious quips at the game’s conclusion. Whenever the invisible f*ck*r wins, the opposing team must always suffer one-liners like “Can I show you losers how I kicked your ass?” or “While you pick up the pieces, would you mind marveling at how I ran laps around you clowns?”
These games do not draw the best of our folk. They slice the wings of social butterflies and give out handj*bs to the cocky. Not the community I’m looking for. These games also cause the non-invisible team to shrug while giving up, make them feel like they wasted their entire turn, and summons a horrendous thought that is directed at the invisible player – “Are you cheating?” Though I know these players do not cheat, I am now much CLOSER to cheating by setting his screen on fire.
Making this worse are the reviewers who give hidden movement games a positive rating while ALWAYS commenting with “I know it’s hidden movement, but this one is different.” No, it is not different. You are just feeling that free handj*b that comes with winning while invisible.