It is common for board games to be sent through a rigorous process of play-testing to streamline and remove their more complicated aspects. The end product is usually a sublime system that brings joy to millions of gamers. I say usually, cause sometimes the dumb f*ck*ng testers ate expired glue and drooled all over the chance of a decent game ploping out. Ok, so I’m being the teensiest bit hyperbolic, but there DO BE some games out there with flaws none of you morons are bringing up. SO! I come to you now with a list of games that need just the smallest of tweeks. The most miniscule of corrections. Games that need a tiny kick in the butt, a slap to the sack, A FAT SMACK TO THE FACE! Here are some IMPROVEMENTS I would like to propose to established games.
PANDEMIC needs a stick
Pandemic is a wonderful gateway co-op game with an action point system. Players move around the board (Planet Earth) trying to slow the spread of diseases until they create a cure. Each player, on their turn, has four action points. Players can perform the same actions multiple times, in any order, and I f*ck*ng swear to God Johnny if you move to San Fransisco before you’ve cured all of South America I’m throwing you off a bridge! Pandemic needs to come packaged with a large stick that allows me to bash the sh*t out of other players when they take an action that wasn’t the one I have been yelling at them for the past 10 minutes. Quarterbacking? QUARTERBACKING!? I will break your g*d d*mn legs if you even THINK about entering the northern hemisphere!
CONCORDIA needs kidnapping
I know what you’re all thinking and NO, I’m not saying change the cover. I actually like that woman trying to rip me off with her past expiration grapes. The game Concordia is a hand-management action-selection resource-management area-control, Mediterranian-sailing, Euro-Imperialism and I have completely forgotten what I was talking about. OH RIGHT! Concordia is ALL GENRES of games. You play cards to gain money and build in cities that will earn you resources, etc. The game has one flaw that I think would be fixed with a simple rule. And that rule is – if you build in the city that I was about to build in, I get to kidnap your worker and shove him in my warehouse.
The negative is that I now can hold one less fewer resources, but the advantage is I get to take my anger out on your dumb-f***ing boat person for upcharging the building fees. Seems fair to me.
SHERIFF needs to allow beatings
In Sheriff, the players are trying to bring legal goods, as well as illegal goods, into Nottingham. One player is the Sheriff each turn and must figure out who is breaking the law and sneaking in the contraband. There needs to be a rule that, if you NEVER attempt to bring in contraband, you lose ALL of your sh*t.
That’s right, I just get to tear up your stacks of apples, cheeses, and breads cause you, Sir, are a boring do-gooder who had no idea what it was like in the medival times. You think you can just survive this heckhole with cheese sandwiches and NO crossbows?! Not if you want to see your 23 children make it to adulthood you disease ridden peon! Now go out there and smuggle in those peppers! Those silks! Get that fancy rye bread into NOTTINGHAM NOW!
TWILIGHT IMPERIUM should allow crimes against humanity
Twilight Imperium is an epic 4-x game about colonizing planets and building an army. You do this in the hopes of achieving objectives until you have 10 points. There are two rules that would greatly improve this game.
The first rule needs to be that if you build a PDS canon one space from my home world AND you possess PDS-2 technology, then I get to burn your house down. That’s right, the golden rule. You make my life hell, I get to make your life hell.
The second rule they need to add concerns voting. If you are faced with a simple math problem, such as “1 + 1 is the amount of warsuns your neighbor will spawn if you don’t side with us” and you come up with an answer of “I’m not scared of his dual death machines” then you don’t get to vote! Let’s try another example. Lety’s say one player has, oh I don’t know, 9 points and a gigantic army, and ANOTHER player has 2 points while violently shaking from ‘Bombardment Trauma,’ and you AREN’T SURE WHO TO FEAR then no vote-y for you-y!
CTHULHU WARS should not. I mean come on.
Cthulhu Wars is an epic Dudes-on-a-map game where you play as one of Lovecraft’s Gods vying for control of planet Earth. It’s epic, it’s a dice chucker, it’s brimming with theme. However, there are a few changes that need to be made. First, there needs to be a way to win by points. The way you would score points is as follows. You will score one point on each of your turns if you have even the slightest clue of what the f*ck is going on.
You will score an additional point for each of your opponents’ unhinged abilities you can read upside down from across the table in that stupid size 8 font. You will score 2 points if you remember how ANY of your own monster’s abilities work. And finally, you will score 3 points for each board-space that is completely covered in your miniature figures and 1 additional point if you know how many countries that represents. In the advanced rules, you will score bonus points if you refuse to help those nerds set-up and tear-down. Cause that’s truly Lovecraftian horror.
GALAXY TRUCKER is perfect.
F*ck you. No notes