In the Before Times, my game collection was simply an ominous seven foot tall stack of boxes in a corner – a leaning tower of doom waiting to take a lethal plunge upon the next unsuspecting bystander. That stalagmite of heavy cardboard was a massive faux pas for interior designers while defying every G*d d*mn OSHA regulation. And stacking Twilight Imperium directly above For Sale wasn’t helping. You’d think I had created a Home Alone style trap, when in truth I have just always royally sucked at Jenga. It was seven feet of DON’T TOUCH THE BOTTOM GAME. Eventually, I caved like that doomed For Sale box and hopped on Amazon to buy the cheapest 4 cubby Kallax I could stomach.
I felt pretty cool, not gonna lie. I had been seeing those hot rich gamers on YouTube and Tiktok showing off their boxy havens and the pressure finally got to me. It didn’t take long for me to buy a second set of those magical shelves, which was, of course, twice the size and the price of the first one. No vetting was needed as I clearly had fallen into the deep end of board game storage.
By the time I had bought a fifth, I was ready to spice up my collection with shelves that looked ”weird as sh*t” and nothing like a Kallax. So I went on a little adventure into the darker side of the internet. I mean, into the adult area of the Amazon. I mean, into the boring section of the Amazon website where furniture and kitchenware is sold. It was there I found several shelves that fulfilled some very specific niche concerns. Concerns like corner shelves and shelves that can hold the stupid f*ck*ng box of Mage Knight and Nemesis.
The Altar
Judging by this picture, you’d either think Mage Knight is my #1 game, or I consider Vlaada Chvatil to be a G*D D*MN living idol. Neither is true (Though Vlaada’s turn from Mage Knight to Codenames is kind of insane). What happened was the Ultimate Mage Knight box size is a f*ck*ng thorn in my OCD brain. It doesn’t fit in Kallax – That piece of sh*t is 13 inches wide! F*ck*ng rude, man. So I took some measurements and did an Amazon search.
And so BEHOLD! The Sheepam 8-tiered bookcase! This sturdy f*ck*r looks precarious at first, but the crossed shelves design keeps it standing. The width of the lower shelves is not very deep, and so they are used to hold Puerto Rico shaped boxes – boxes that are longer than they are wide. But as much as I want to praise Sheepam for their design, I gotta be honest with you, my reader.
Though Mage Knight does fit perfectly, and though this bizarre altar is a wonderful conversation starter that shows how board games have become my religion, the problem is that the top . . . is bending forward horrifically. From the side, it looks like Mage Knight is peering down, ready to collapse and kill us all in apocalyptic judgement. Now, I could move Mage Knight from the top, allowing the shelf to stand straight. But like I said, I gotta be honest, and I look forward to the day my mortal body gets crushed by Vlaada’s masterpiece. See you all in H*ll!
Stadium Seating
By my estimation, there are, essentially, four categories of board game box sizes – Regular, Party, Gigantic, and Little. Most commonly seen is the Regular Size, also known as the Ticket to Ride size. Then there are the newly popular Party Sized squarish boxes, like Just One and Draftosaurus. This leaves us with the two extreme sizes, the first being the all encompassing category of F*ck*ng Gigantic. This includes the famous “Coffin” shape, as well as the “That’s a stupidly big box” shape, and of course the “WHAT IN THE F*CK DOES THAT GAME HAVE TO DO WITH ROME” monstrosity.
The final category is the Little Size. This encompasses Small Size, Pocket Size, and “Can be snuck into a prison” Size. These boxes are anethema to Kallax. If you stack em, you can’t grab em, and if you don’t stack em, you gotta lotta open space. And so BEHOLD! The Yinmit Tiered Display Stand! It’s like stadium seating for your little ones – a cardboard audience that watches as you pick out games for the evening, praying they are chosen to be enjoyed. This shelving unit is meant for candles, spices, and beautifully shaped glass blown bongs. But in my household, all that sh*t is thrown to the floor when games need a home.
The visual is pleasing as it gives layers to your layout and a bit of comedy as the “heads” of your games stick up in the back, as though they are peaking out. But most importantly, this thing can easily hold over twenty of these small size boxes and is relatively inexpensive. Plus, if I ever actually get into glass blown bongs, I’ll be ready to display them.
The Trophy Stand
When you think of board game youtubers, you immediately picture some dork sitting before an 8×8 Kallax with thousands of dollars worth of games and their biggest, stupidest box somehow standing prominent. But what if you wanted ALL your best games standing stupidly and prominently?
BEHOLD! The Numenn Triple Wide Five Tiered Bookshelf does all that and more! You want that varying-level visual? Did you spend way too much money on unpopular Uwe games and want to share that with the world? Well this thing will definitely leave the people saying “Is that f*ck*ng Ora et Labora?” Only the fine wine of board games get to spend their days on this trophy stand. It’s the shelf in my Tiktoks and is the one thing I’d save in a fire. You’ll know if I’m in immediate peril if this six foot long battering ram comes flying out my window with me riding it down to the streets.
The Corner Queen
Just take a look at this majestic unicorn of a shelf. This mother f*ck*r does not display board games, though it would totally rock at it. Oh no, this shelf gets the esteemed job of displaying my D&D sh*t. You think I would let some HACK like that Numenn Triple Wide Five Tiered Bookshelf take the job of sharing the greatest hobby known to man? F*ck no! That job is reserved for …
BEHOLD! THE MONARCH SPECIALTIES CORNER BOOKCASE! This skinny-on-top-with-a-fat-bottom piece of eye candy and certified fresh meat is the only piece of sh*t to have earned the right. Its sleek slantiness and peak PEAK (Lord that is a glorious summit) allows for maximum commentary on how certain nerd paraphernalia should be displayed at the Smithsonian. This shelf is a perfect purchase for anyone looking to pimp out their corner game or pimp out their pimping game. It’s the corner pimp you never knew you needed.
The Corner Strumpet
Now venture on over to the other side of my living room. The part that’s in shambles since it’s where my two couches come weirdly close together, creating a blockaded third world country on the edge of my home. A corner that society has sh*t on. A corner that dignity has sh*t on. A corner I have sh*t …
BEHOLD! THE GILLAS 5 TIER CORNER SHELF THAT BEGS FOR DEATH EVERY TIME IT IS LOOKED UPON! The cursed waves of time have washed over this clunky b*tch for eons and have left it to DIE in my weird corner where furniture sits in a weird way making it weird to grab the weird games it houses.
You wanna play Deus, the area control game in Zee Garcia’s top ten that I find boring? Well, you gotta leap over Bobby as he leans on the armrest for comfort, unaware of the disaster beside him. You wanna play that accursed party stopper ‘From One to T-Rex?’ Well I hope you trip on both couches and get impaled by PHOTOSYNTHESIS on your way to grabbing that piece of sh*t.
This shelving unit is perfect for anyone looking to spice up their blossoming cobwebs and tumbleweeds. It is five sh*tty shelves capable of displaying your shell of a life, your forgotten ambitions, and each layer of shame caking your pathetic Root win-lose ratio. Also, it’s decently priced.